Phase III: Symbolic Representation

Grace under pressure: experiences of a nurse in crossing the road of career transition








  

Changing channels: from real to almost perfect settings.

"Not everyone can be a nurse" - anonymous

I was moved by this quotation that I read from one of the nursing blogsite. It is hard to be a nurse, coming from a person like me who doesn't know how to "nurse" others. Being a nurse means sacrifice. Sacrifice means giving up. Giving up means letting go of your time spend with your family during holidays, birthdays and even the special days in yout life. This one of the lesson that I've learned when I became a nurse. I must learn how to sacrifice. 

 Working in a hospital is like a television series that we watched everyday. There will always be a drama where in a patient cannot hide the emotion of pain, sadness and hopelessness to the suffering that he have. The comedy part arises in the hospital when everyone was sharing their stories and gossips in the ward and suddenly the attending physician will come making everyone to open a logbook, charts or anything to keep themselves busy. The funny part is the act of pretending to be busy even when you are not. There will always be an action part in the story, when a drunk patient came to the hospital and everyone will help the doctor to restrain the patient, when a "toxic" patient came to the hospital and the hospital staff will do everything they can to save his life, when I transfer a preterm laboring mother with breech presentation in an ambulance with no siren which left me to shout in the middle of the road "tabi! wlang sirena ito! May manganganak" hehehe! Of course, the thrilling part of being a nurse will be the ring of the telephone in the middle of the night..with the OB-Gyne at the phone stating "helllooo...sino ito? may pasyente ba?" and telling her "Dra. wala po.." and

she replied me "Bakit wala??  Nasasayang ang pinapasweldo ko sa inyo.." and then the rest was history. hehehe! 

     This is the reality of being a nurse working in the hospital setting. We are real in the world of our own. Real in taking care of the patient. Real for me means being resourceful. And being resourceful means utilizing all the available resources in the hospital to keep someone alive. I remember the time when we made our own oxygen funnel in a cardboard hooked into an oxygen tank to keep our newborn alive. There was also the time when I uses the plastic cover placed in the neonate's crib to served as an incubator of a preterm infant. We even used the empty IV bottle to be a measuring bottle of urines. We used all the available means to keep a patient alive.And the moral lesson of the story, a nurse must be real, being real means being resourceful, and being resourceful means care.:)

      As I changed my path to become a "better" nurse, I tried moving in the area of academe. And for me, being in the academe means appropriate. Appropriate in terms of your actions, intellectual capabilities, and behavior. This means being perfect. When I became an educator what sticks into my head is the word "role model" student will mold their personality within my personality. Student will imitate my actions and words that are spoken into my mouth so I must act accordingly. I even let go of my wanna-be-a-rockstar look and became the girl-who-loves-dresses and skirts..hehehe! When I entered the world of academe, I knew that I must be perfect in my own little ways. Perfect lesson plan, perfect delivery, perfect evaluation! It is more on living in a perfectly-made world in a not-so-perfect reality of life. 

     

For an educator like me, the reason of being perfect means perfectly molding the future generations, because we care. Care in the world of a nurse in an academe, means giving your all as an educator unconditionally for the benefit of the future caring nurses. It means bring out the best in you, so the others will find what is best in them. It means teaching the lessons that you've learned coming from your experience as a nurse and as a person. And teaching for me means caring. :)

There's a big difference between practice and theory but the thin line that put them together will be the word "care". Care in the world of theory means perfectly doing the care to the patient. As the nurse instructors demonstrates the perfect step by step procedures in handling patient care, in a virtual classroom setting with dummy on his side that serve as his patient. Care in the world of practice means "real". They are handling a real patient in a real scenario and dealing with real life. 

PHASE II: Thematic Interlace Theme III "I'm changing the channels": from real to my almost perfect settings.

         

          “Malaki talaga ang difference, siyempre. Kasi ditto sa clinical tao ang hawak mo eh kumbaga buhay. Samantalang doon sa ano, wala lang puwede mong baguhin, pwede mong baguhin mong baguhin tomorrow. Pag nagkamali ka di mo na mababawi yun dib a? (Of course there is a big difference, because in clinical you are handling with life while the other one, you can able to change it, you can able to change it tomorrow. Once you committed an error in the clinical setting you cannot able to correct it.)” (Medy)

        For the co-researchers, there is a significant metamorphosis of their workplace environment whereas they used to live in the world of reality that errors shouldn’t be committed because as a nurse working in a clinical setting you are handling the lives of your patient. For them, there’s no room for mistakes when you are in a hospital scenario. From the reality setting of the clinical world, the co-researchers now move on in a setting that allows them to commit mistake the first time they’ll be discussing and at the height that they committed an error, they can able to correct it the next day. The switch of settings came from the reality where in error is prohibited into the world of academe where in errors are accepted with the condition of correcting them the next day; for the co-researchers, the new setting ease out the pressure of being perfect in the world that a nurse is moving into. Now, in the world of academe it gave them an opportunity to explore the new settings with their conditional trial and error principle.

          “(Hospital) Medyo mababa pa yung sahod dun eh overworked ako, tapos double shift yung sa atin eh 16 hours ka, tapos ito pa pinakamatindi doon 1 month delayed yung sahod…(Academe) Ang ganda pala ditto sa academe no? ang laki pala kako ng pera kumpara sa hospital.  ( (Hospital) The salary was low and we were overworked because we work in a double shift, then the worst part is that our salary was one month delayed…(Academe) Isn’t it amazing in academe? The salary is greater than the hospital.)”  (Manny)

         

         

The financial satisfaction for the co-researchers would be one of the differentiating factors of the two settings. The reality of a nurse in a third world country implies what the co-researchers was pertaining to where in they are working 16 hours per shift with a low and delayed salary, whereas in the new setting that they it can termed as almost perfect, where in as far as compensation was their concern they are satisfied and able to support the needs of their family. Now, for the co-researchers their suffering of working unfairly in the hospital setting which is the reality, turned into an almost perfect environment where in as a nurse educator, they are being paid higher than expected with a flexible schedule.

          “Sa academe for me ha, ang dami mong ipre-prepare eh, yung bago ka pumasok kailangan lahat ng powerpoint mo ok, nabasa mo. Di katulad sa management (Hospital) basta alam mo lang ang plotting madali na, alam mo lahat ng supplies, cost, alam mo ang season, madali na. (For me in academe, you have a lot of things to prepare; you must read your powerpoint presentation. Unlike in management (hospital) once you know the plotting, you know the supplies, the cost, you know the season, and it is easier.”(Eileen)

         

          The co-researchers’ world while in the bedside, is a place that they predict and they can manipulate. They can predict it because it is a place that they understands and brought into. They can manipulate it because they know how things works and they know how to fix it. For the co-researchers, moving through the academe means the pressure is on them; the pressure to make things work, the pressure to know everything and the pressure to make everything perfect.

          As the co-researchers moved into the two terrains; they cited the difference of the two different settings: the world of reality setting and the world of perfections.

          The world of reality where in they are handling a real sick person, with real procedures on a real settings and experiences, and moving into the world of perfections packed with great responsibility of an educator. The co-researchers experiences the metamorphosis of their “real” setting where in errors cannot be made, where in the option was between life and death and mistakes can create an remarkable consequences to their nursing career; into the “almost perfect” world where in the settings must be perfect, the step by step procedures must be perfect and the mastery of the lessons must be perfect as well, but for the co-researchers they find the world of academe to be “almost perfect” because errors can also be made in the new setting, teaching students sometimes made them discuss wrong concepts or principle which can be corrected the next day.

          The experience of the co-researchers in moving into the two different settings has been a significant factor in their transition journey. Because with this the co-researchers can able to identify the switch of roles they experienced and being able to appreciate the position that they have now. Now, by citing the difference between the two terrains they can able to integrate the things that they have learned from the reality to the perfect settings that they have right now.

The beginning: my journey as an educator

          The Journey begins when I decided to "make a change" in my nursing career. All I wanted was to earn money greater than from what I'm earning in my precious hospital where we came from. It is the time when I finally decided to teach the future generations of the nursing profession. But the idea doesn't come to me back then, what is pre-occupied in my mind is that finally I will earn something that I deserve (because we received unfair compensation in our previous hospital) and this time we will be paid per hour. 

      By the time that I've applied for a clinical instructor position I do not have any idea that there will be a teaching demo. And to tell you, my family background is the type where in we always won the "most behave" award because we doesn't talk alot with people, especially in front of other people. Then, we need to talk..not just talk but discuss! And I am a type of student in my college days that doesn't report and always tell excuses to my professors to not report at all. Luckily, that time I was conditioned to talk after my two normal deliveries in the hospital I just received a call from my mother that I will be having my teaching demo, and I escape from my duty as a nurse and go directly to the school, I am so ready. :)

     

        My first teaching demo was a disaster. We must discuss impromptu, in front of the students without any guide, without any instructional materials and all I have is my experience. And I discussed the stages of Labor and delivery, coming from my two labor and delivery sessions in our hospital. Luckily, with that material I got in.

       My second teaching demo experience is like an apocalypse. When our coordinator asked us to demonstrate in front of other aspirants to become an educator in a university, I knew it will be hell. Each and everyone have their talent in discussing because now, I am now moving into another level and we were informed 24 hours prior to the actual teaching demo so I think I'm ready this time. I got my two material that time, I have my power point slides and my acetates. The only difference now, is that the coordinator and aspiring professors are the one who will watch with my demonstrations. I was confident that I do not have to prepare the things that I need to say because I knew that we have limited time in discussing. Then, I do not know what is within me of all the demonstrators I was the only one who discussed for about 30 mins. with pauses coming from the coordinator stating that "please elaborate". During that time, I am looking at the door a part of me wanted to escape, a part of me wanted to stop because I can see in the look of her eyes that I am not worthy of the position. But I did not. And I will never do that..And at the end of it, It seems like she's interested in me and took me as one of her aspiring faculty member. :)

MY FIRST ENCOUNTER AS AN EDUCATOR

     Being an educator, means you are perfect. Being Perfect means having no emotions. Having No emotions means you are not human at all! This the first lesson that I've learned when I entered the field of an educator. The first time I enter the classroom I really wanted to seat in the student's chairs and wait for my professor. But now, it's the other way around. Before entering the classroom, I was asked by two "matured" looking students if I am Ms. Go, and told them yes, of course I smiled. Then, they whisper "ah..bago.." When I was oriented by the looks of the students I was scared. They are older, wiser and more clever than me and with that idea I am scared. When I entered the classroom, the students were noisy. It was an average introduction, from my average self. I do not have any outrageous achievements. I just told them about the subject and then the requirements. I stick to being the traditional, and I copied the previous techniques of my average professors way back before. I ended the class earlier, one thing that I've learned from my previous professors during the orientation days, it is implied that everybody must go home earlier on your first day of class, so I did. 

     I was resting in our faculty room where you can meet different types of professors. Then, a student from my previous class came, and approach the other professor. I was pretending that I don't see her, because I hate making gestures to people that I do not know that much. She was happy to see that professor, and she was telling her that she missed her alot. Then, something came out to her mouth that cuts my back like a knife. She told my colleague "ma'am ayoko sa kanya, ikaw na lang" pertaining to me that she didn't like me and she wanted to have the other professor. I was there, I hear it. But I pretend that I didn't. I pretend that I'm busy reading my lecture. But it hurts. 

    It was hard to establish rapport with my first class. They are all brats. Even the guys they are. I remember I had a student who is so rich that he have his time and schedule of choice in class, because he is the owner of a bar. I even have the mean girls, and their leader is the one who told me that she didn't like me. It was hard for me to adjust. With this new work, the new set-up, the new encounters. 

     But that doesn't stop me from my aspiration to excel as an educator. What came to me is the idea of "who cares if you didn't like me, do I ask you to like me?" then I strive, I strive to be better. I strive to be the best. I strive for that someone that they can accept. And then after 30 days of striving, I excel. I excel in the sense that they appreciated my effort of teaching them, appreciated my effort in adapting them, appreciated my efforts to become their accepted teacher. And that girl who told that she didn't like me, after 30 days..she says "sorry", I ask her "why?" pretending that I didn't know where that came from, and then she told me "ma'am basta sorry po" and I just smiled. That is the time that I realized that as an educator we must learned to masked out our emotions in order pretend that everything is okay, in order to pretend that everything was fine although you know you're not. But at the end of it, you know how to win the fight and succeed.

MY UNFORGETTABLE STUDENTS

     JESSERIN - the owner and HR manager of their company. The most richest among my students. She is humble in her own little way. I cannot forget the first time that we talk, I asked her "bakit di po kayo pumasok nung first day" and then she told me "masama ang pakiramdam ko bakit bawal?" and then I shut my mouth and hope to die..hehehe! But seriously, we have a great bond I feel secured when she was in my classroom. Secured in the sense that I know everyone will listen and follow because she was there. She even wrote me a poem with my name as her themes.

     ISKA - the siomai girl, I always smile when I remember that we scan her bags for siomai, and we were laughing when we see that her bag contained siomai with no notebooks, no ballpens all are siomai!

     DOROTHY - the girl who seems to be always there but wasn't there. I'm discussing the lesson slowly and we were already making funny jokes already when she will interrupt the class stating.."ma'am ano nga po ulit yon?" hehehe!

    DENNIS ENRIQUEZ, SADIE VIOLANTE and the rest of the gang - I will not forget all the duty days that we have where in I discussed everything! from anatomy-pathophysiology, from the instruments to the drugs, we even discussed the first-sixth sense and lastly I will always remember the times we discussed how our world ends. 

MY LAST DAY IN SASN

The picture in the left are letters gave to me by my students in SASN. These are only 13 letters from the 13 significant students in SASN. It was our last day of class, we have our farewell party and I wasn't telling them that I am going to resign and I will be moving into another institution. I wanted to say goodbye, so I wrote them letters. Each and everyone of them, I told them that I was happy to have them as my students. Then, they also wrote me letters. One thing that I've learned from this students, it doesn't matter if your perfect or not, if you are able to inspire others and made them move for their brighter future, then that is what made you a better educator.They made them inspired because I inspired them as well. That is what I am right now. I wanted to be the inspiration of my students. That there is no right or wrong in this world, if you have dream you must learn to work hard and strive for it. And we can always make that happen :)